Was sitting in church listening to the sermon and contemplating all that has happened in the past few months of my life. The sermon this past Sunday was addressing those times when we are sure we are right and those times when we need to be nudged out of our comfort zone. It was the latter of these things that lead me to this post's title "I am broken, but I don't require fixing".
I AM BROKEN
Life has thrown me a series of curve balls
-----------------------
There are times in our lives when something, someone, some situation comes along that pushes or nudges us out of our comfort zone. There are times when we have our notions challenged such that we need to stop and contemplate them beyond just a cursory "Oh isn't that interesting..." This sermon was one of those times for me as I began to realize that my current life state was "Broken" but broken by the situation/choice such that it doesn't require fixing. I am broken in a way that doesn't require someone to come along and lift me up and dust me off. I am broken because what I thought was true, or the things that modeled my world have been disproved. I am broken in a way that allows me to stop and consider what about my world model was wrong. I am broken in a way that provides the opportunity to change how I go about moving forward in the world. For me I have found the following to be my 'Broken' process.
Mourning the Broken
Large life events all have a process that they will trigger and that process may be long or short. It is hard to tell in advance how long a given event may cause one to feel that they are in mourning but it is an important aspect of being broken I believe. In the cases where I have been broken in my life there is always a feeling of loss. The loss can be physical - meaning someone passing or perhaps the lost of a possession, or something emotional like a good friend moving far away or someone you once talked to all the time falling out of touch. Time has to be taken to consider the loss what impact it has had and why has it had that impact in order to attempt to move forward from it. Cry, laugh, smile, focus on the content of the event so that you can feel it fully. In order to mourn it properly you have to be able to see it fully for a moment in your life and its meaning to you. In order to mourn you have to be able to see what needs of your own that thing, that person was filling for you.
Picking up the pieces
As you consider in your mourning what is it that is left behind? What can I take from what has happened? Sometimes you may even be tempted to ask why me? Coming forward from a position of brokenness requires, I believe, that you be able to look at your own reaction to what has happened and understand why you have reacted in a given way. Are you angry? Are you sad? Are you feeling a mix of different emotions? Why are those emotions the ones that have arisen in the current broken state. Maybe you are upset with yourself for feeling, maybe you are upset with some other external factor for how it is or how another individual appears to feel. All of these things, all of these questions and their answers are part and parcel to being broken. Like looking at a bit of sea glass carefully and wondering how it came to be at your feet - each instance and question above needs similar scrutiny.
I don't need fixing
In short I don't need fixing - I need support. I need to be able to put the situations of my life into words, feelings and context that I understand. Moving forward, one step at a time, requires an ability to process without stuffing or ignoring the situation that created the brokenness. Being broken, I think, is like having a surgery scar but on your psyche ... its permanent and part of the story of your life. Scars don't require fixing - just time to heal.
Closing
While I was writing this post originally (now a long time ago in relative terms) I found the following quote:
Treat things as "habit not hill." Meaning excellence is a minute-at-a-time habit, not a hill to climb. Same is true of being less broken, it's a minute at a time habit to improve, not a hill you are standing at the bottom of looking up at the top saying "I need to climb THIS?".
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Invisibility - Rise above background noise
There was an article published by Technically Philly recently entitled:
"Does Philly’s tech scene have a sexual harassment problem?"
The article seems to have had precious little to say about sexual harassment or the role that it does or doesn't play in Philadelphia's technology scene. Let's just address things head on shall we?
Philly's tech scene absolutely has a sexual harassment problem. Why? Because Philly does, because tech in general does, because people do. No way around this fact of life.
There has been a great deal of press about the sexual harassment in tech in California and the Silicon Valley and while those places are not 100% representative of tech across the U.S.A. it would be disingenuous to think that problems there are not even a little bit reflective of possible, well hidden problems elsewhere, including HERE.
Privilege, Challenged
The news has been awash recently of commentary relating to race, nationality, skin color and most recently the events that occurred in Charlottesville, VA. I would observe that there is a common thread in them all - being a white person in the US confers a blindness on many that prevents them from seeing the benefits of their own privilege as a result of their background or skin color. The same is true for gender.
I observe that sexual harassment happens all the time, however most of the time people are willing to look the other way, give the benefit of the doubt, or somehow explain away that thing that they actually saw occur because "reason". It hardly matters what the reason is. As a result of this we are collectively part of the problem that continues to compound. I want to encourage people to recognize the differences in their reactions as a result of privilege they may enjoy, to see and call people out for their harassing behavior.
Screaming, Fatigue
Like other forms of discrimination - sexual harassment is 100% real and it gets tiring pointing it out:
It takes diligence to acknowledge that there might be a gap in your knowledge, or a gap in your vision. The idea of modifying your default stance for a given situation likely needs to be actively (mentally) challenged in order to be able to see situations differently or to see situations are/were not what you assumed them to be. Time and effort has to be put in to understand others’ points of view, others’ feelings. Speak up, speak out at any an all opportunities that present themselves.
* Authors note: It is my intention to compile additional helpful reading links, things that I found helpful, that have opened my eyes or provided me insight into who I am. I'll try to post those in a day or two.
Examples:
https://technical.ly/philly/2017/09/18/amber-wanner-linkedin
https://technical.ly/philly/2017/09/05/sexual-harassment-problem/
"Does Philly’s tech scene have a sexual harassment problem?"
The article seems to have had precious little to say about sexual harassment or the role that it does or doesn't play in Philadelphia's technology scene. Let's just address things head on shall we?
Philly's tech scene absolutely has a sexual harassment problem. Why? Because Philly does, because tech in general does, because people do. No way around this fact of life.
There has been a great deal of press about the sexual harassment in tech in California and the Silicon Valley and while those places are not 100% representative of tech across the U.S.A. it would be disingenuous to think that problems there are not even a little bit reflective of possible, well hidden problems elsewhere, including HERE.
Privilege, Challenged
The news has been awash recently of commentary relating to race, nationality, skin color and most recently the events that occurred in Charlottesville, VA. I would observe that there is a common thread in them all - being a white person in the US confers a blindness on many that prevents them from seeing the benefits of their own privilege as a result of their background or skin color. The same is true for gender.
- Sexual harassment hasn't happened to me...so it must not be wide spread
- Sexual harassment must not be happening because I haven't seen it...so it must not be wide spread
- Sexual harassment happens in a small percentage of cases...so it must not be wide spread
I observe that sexual harassment happens all the time, however most of the time people are willing to look the other way, give the benefit of the doubt, or somehow explain away that thing that they actually saw occur because "reason". It hardly matters what the reason is. As a result of this we are collectively part of the problem that continues to compound. I want to encourage people to recognize the differences in their reactions as a result of privilege they may enjoy, to see and call people out for their harassing behavior.
Screaming, Fatigue
Like other forms of discrimination - sexual harassment is 100% real and it gets tiring pointing it out:
I admit that I don't know about my circle of friends’ and acquaintances’ experiences - because I haven't asked - however I would venture to say that the majority of my circle of friends have also had some form of harassment (from mild to outlandish) leveled against them. The article from Technically hurts efforts to raise visibility for harassment because, as one person I follow said:
"...this [article] does not help the lack of belief in the problem. 'Cause now people can share this [article] link & be all, "What? Nothing to see here."Take the time, read, open your eyes & mind
It takes diligence to acknowledge that there might be a gap in your knowledge, or a gap in your vision. The idea of modifying your default stance for a given situation likely needs to be actively (mentally) challenged in order to be able to see situations differently or to see situations are/were not what you assumed them to be. Time and effort has to be put in to understand others’ points of view, others’ feelings. Speak up, speak out at any an all opportunities that present themselves.
* Authors note: It is my intention to compile additional helpful reading links, things that I found helpful, that have opened my eyes or provided me insight into who I am. I'll try to post those in a day or two.
Examples:
https://technical.ly/philly/2017/09/18/amber-wanner-linkedin
https://technical.ly/philly/2017/09/05/sexual-harassment-problem/
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
On Today's Election results...
From twitter... 5'7 Black Male - @absurdistwords, I tired to capture this without changing any of the meaning or the structure. These words capture the sentiment I have in relation to what has just happened in this country and I am thankful for his having written them.
I woke up out of my dead sleep an hour ago. I knew Trump won before I went to bed. I just thought I might have a full nights sleep first
I'm the only one awake at my place so woke up lonely and deeply sad.
So I came here. Looking for something. Sometimes it just feels too big, too overwhelming. The deep hatred and anger in America had always been there. But sometimes Sometimes you know a relationship has been over for years, but hearing the words "I don't love you" still cuts deeply
I know America hates me. I know it is full of bigotry and ignorance. I have no illusions It still hurts to hear This feeling I feel now is one I haven't felt in years. Not since arguing kids out of jail.
I had a girl on probation... She'd done everything we'd asked of her. The hard work, the soul searching, brought up her grades, stayed out of trouble. She had done so well she'd been selected to represent our program in Albany. But the case that had brought her to us a year earlier although minor, was a probation violation. But nobody had bothered to violate her. So here we are with our model child, excited to advocate for juvenile justice. And the police come to arrest her I had never been an expert witness before, but I tried my best to present her case.
"She is EXACTLY what you want from us!" I spoke of her achievements, her grades, her progress, her mentorship of others, her empathy, her dedication She turned to me after I stepped off the stand and said "Thank you, Mister for fighting for me. Its not going to matter"
My heart broke "They're gonna to see all you've done"
"No, Mister. They won't"
"But..."
"Its ok." I knew she was right, but I a 20 something idealist wouldn't accept the truth this 14 year old kid didn't even question . The system didn't care about her. Didn't respect her. Didn't care if she rehabilitated or not.
I thought reason might prevail
She knew
As I watched the light go out of her eyes as she was led away something in me broke
I left the courthouse and wandered the street in tears How could it be THIS fucked?
How was I so powerless to lose a child who should have been a model case?
How could the system be so dense? I've never been caught off guard by the system and its hatred again.
I wasn't tonight either
But the FEELING is back - What did happen was this
I studied that case. I pored over it. Every bit of evidence, every word of testimony, every trick prosecution used . I fucking armed myself with knowledge and vengeance.
I couldn't do anything more for this girl, but I could do more for others . On that stand, I'd been unprepared for the dirty tricks. I would never be again. I never was again . I squared off with that prosecutor five more times and sent him packing each time.
There is nothing we can do to change the outcome of this election.
Its done.
But we are not. This is one if those times. Where we must break. To take in the overwhelming reality and face it head on with all the pain it brings. Don't put on a happy mask and pretend it's normal. There's nothing normal here.
America needs to sit here an cry it out for a moment because we are face to face with the truth of our country
We can't pretend anymore. Its time for our illusions to come down.
That we are in a post racial society
That the crowd will do the right thing
That facts matter
We need to come out from behind our comfort zones and bubbles and look at our country without the lenses of exceptionalism .
Now we know.
We are not more empathetic than Germany
More savvy than Brexiters
We are not more serious about our democracy
We're just a fallible country full of regular fucking humans like everywhere else.
So don't spend the next few weeks yelling at everyone and passing blame.
Take a deep breath. When you exhale, realize that we are still in this together. And we have a chance. If we choose to take it, to drop our facades . I am thankful for you. All of you. For your support, for your love, for your passion.
Let this be a day of clarity. Let today remind you to connect with others. Share in your pain. Marvel and grieve. Trump's presidency is a result of us not really seeing each other or our country for who we are and what it is.
We can fix that. We can fix it especially if the elevation of Trump wakes us up to the truth of bigotry.
I see a lot of surprised white people this morning. Im talking to you now surprised white people.
I wanna bring you in for an empathy moment. This feeling you have right now. Amazement that the country could be so short-sighted, that it could embrace hate so tightly?
Welcome.
This despair and dread you feel. The indignation, the bewilderment, the hurt, powerlessness, the fear for family and livelihood?
Welcome.
That knot in your stomach, that feeling of heartache? That uncertainty about your safety? The deep sense of fundamental injustice?
Welcome.
For many marginalized people, this spike in distress you feel this morning is what we feel EVERY morning. That feeling of "How could they possibly...?" is precisely what we feel with every incidence of excused violence, disenfranchisement, denial . I do not say this to diminish what you feel today. What you feel is real and valid.
I'm giving you an opportunity to truly empathize. For it is the lack of that empathy that allowed America to shrug as the marginalized shouted warnings. Today the imaginary wall that divides your experience from ours has come down.
You have the chance to commune with the rest of us. This needs to be a moment where you realize that you are not alone in your pain.
That there are those of us who know it intimately. Let this be the last time you are surprised by the prevalence of virulent hatred in this country.
Let it be a moment that opens your eyes . This is a time that you can move on from the childish insistence that America is #1, grow up and recognize it as gravely ill. This can be a time for you to stop side-eying those who insist that something is and has always been something deeply wrong. Skip the hand wringing about how you didn't see this coming and move to the part where you get on board to come down into the trenches. I see people talking about how Trump is #NotMyPresident.
Yes he damn well is.
It's really important that you get this cause its key. Compartmentalizing this problem solves exactly nothing.
Refusing culpability for America's actions is how we GOT Trump. Trump is an opportunistic infection that America let fester and grow in an immunocompromised environment. America's neglect of its own health comes directly from its stubborn insistence that nothing is as bad as it looks . When we minimized the outrage about rape, about racism, about fascism and ignorance, about marginalization we created a space ripe for Trump. Trump is our President because we and the people who voted for him are still in the same boat as much as we'd like to deny it. Another country didn't elect Trump. This one did. Your neighbors and relatives and co-workers and friends did. We are inextricably bound. We cannot wish this half of America away.
But we can sure as hell challenge it.
I woke up out of my dead sleep an hour ago. I knew Trump won before I went to bed. I just thought I might have a full nights sleep first
I'm the only one awake at my place so woke up lonely and deeply sad.
So I came here. Looking for something. Sometimes it just feels too big, too overwhelming. The deep hatred and anger in America had always been there. But sometimes Sometimes you know a relationship has been over for years, but hearing the words "I don't love you" still cuts deeply
That is where I am
.
I know America hates me. I know it is full of bigotry and ignorance. I have no illusions It still hurts to hear This feeling I feel now is one I haven't felt in years. Not since arguing kids out of jail.
I had a girl on probation... She'd done everything we'd asked of her. The hard work, the soul searching, brought up her grades, stayed out of trouble. She had done so well she'd been selected to represent our program in Albany. But the case that had brought her to us a year earlier although minor, was a probation violation. But nobody had bothered to violate her. So here we are with our model child, excited to advocate for juvenile justice. And the police come to arrest her I had never been an expert witness before, but I tried my best to present her case.
"She is EXACTLY what you want from us!" I spoke of her achievements, her grades, her progress, her mentorship of others, her empathy, her dedication She turned to me after I stepped off the stand and said "Thank you, Mister for fighting for me. Its not going to matter"
My heart broke "They're gonna to see all you've done"
"No, Mister. They won't"
"But..."
"Its ok." I knew she was right, but I a 20 something idealist wouldn't accept the truth this 14 year old kid didn't even question . The system didn't care about her. Didn't respect her. Didn't care if she rehabilitated or not.
I thought reason might prevail
She knew
As I watched the light go out of her eyes as she was led away something in me broke
I left the courthouse and wandered the street in tears How could it be THIS fucked?
How was I so powerless to lose a child who should have been a model case?
How could the system be so dense? I've never been caught off guard by the system and its hatred again.
I wasn't tonight either
But the FEELING is back - What did happen was this
I studied that case. I pored over it. Every bit of evidence, every word of testimony, every trick prosecution used . I fucking armed myself with knowledge and vengeance.
I couldn't do anything more for this girl, but I could do more for others . On that stand, I'd been unprepared for the dirty tricks. I would never be again. I never was again . I squared off with that prosecutor five more times and sent him packing each time.
There is nothing we can do to change the outcome of this election.
Its done.
But we are not. This is one if those times. Where we must break. To take in the overwhelming reality and face it head on with all the pain it brings. Don't put on a happy mask and pretend it's normal. There's nothing normal here.
Its ok to break.
We can't pretend anymore. Its time for our illusions to come down.
That we are in a post racial society
That the crowd will do the right thing
That facts matter
We need to come out from behind our comfort zones and bubbles and look at our country without the lenses of exceptionalism .
Now we know.
We are not more empathetic than Germany
More savvy than Brexiters
We are not more serious about our democracy
We're just a fallible country full of regular fucking humans like everywhere else.
We. Are. Not. Immune.
Take a deep breath. When you exhale, realize that we are still in this together. And we have a chance. If we choose to take it, to drop our facades . I am thankful for you. All of you. For your support, for your love, for your passion.
Let this be a day of clarity. Let today remind you to connect with others. Share in your pain. Marvel and grieve. Trump's presidency is a result of us not really seeing each other or our country for who we are and what it is.
We can fix that. We can fix it especially if the elevation of Trump wakes us up to the truth of bigotry.
I see a lot of surprised white people this morning. Im talking to you now surprised white people.
I wanna bring you in for an empathy moment. This feeling you have right now. Amazement that the country could be so short-sighted, that it could embrace hate so tightly?
Welcome.
This despair and dread you feel. The indignation, the bewilderment, the hurt, powerlessness, the fear for family and livelihood?
Welcome.
That knot in your stomach, that feeling of heartache? That uncertainty about your safety? The deep sense of fundamental injustice?
Welcome.
For many marginalized people, this spike in distress you feel this morning is what we feel EVERY morning. That feeling of "How could they possibly...?" is precisely what we feel with every incidence of excused violence, disenfranchisement, denial . I do not say this to diminish what you feel today. What you feel is real and valid.
I'm giving you an opportunity to truly empathize. For it is the lack of that empathy that allowed America to shrug as the marginalized shouted warnings. Today the imaginary wall that divides your experience from ours has come down.
You have the chance to commune with the rest of us. This needs to be a moment where you realize that you are not alone in your pain.
That there are those of us who know it intimately. Let this be the last time you are surprised by the prevalence of virulent hatred in this country.
Let it be a moment that opens your eyes . This is a time that you can move on from the childish insistence that America is #1, grow up and recognize it as gravely ill. This can be a time for you to stop side-eying those who insist that something is and has always been something deeply wrong. Skip the hand wringing about how you didn't see this coming and move to the part where you get on board to come down into the trenches. I see people talking about how Trump is #NotMyPresident.
Yes he damn well is.
It's really important that you get this cause its key. Compartmentalizing this problem solves exactly nothing.
Refusing culpability for America's actions is how we GOT Trump. Trump is an opportunistic infection that America let fester and grow in an immunocompromised environment. America's neglect of its own health comes directly from its stubborn insistence that nothing is as bad as it looks . When we minimized the outrage about rape, about racism, about fascism and ignorance, about marginalization we created a space ripe for Trump. Trump is our President because we and the people who voted for him are still in the same boat as much as we'd like to deny it. Another country didn't elect Trump. This one did. Your neighbors and relatives and co-workers and friends did. We are inextricably bound. We cannot wish this half of America away.
But we can sure as hell challenge it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
